Thursday, September 6, 2012

Motherhood...the real thing

I love being a Mom and I love my children with all my heart.  It is easy some times to put on a smile and say that everything is fine and great!  I never want to seem to complain about my children because the fact of the matter is that they are a blessing.  A huge blessing and gift from God and for each of them I am oh so thankful.  That doesn't mean that parenting is all snuggles, smiles and happy bliss because it is hard!   God never promised that things would be easy and parenting is certainly not exempt from that. I am learning that not all babies are the same and that some babies are just harder than others.  Kenley qualifies for the latter.   Kenley is still doing a lot of crying and a lot less sleeping.  The doctor has recommended that we take our focus off of the day time naps [because it wasn't working and she cried more than napped] and redirect our efforts to night time routine and sleeping.  Strategy: cry it out.  aka: see how long momma can take it and not give in.  I've tried this before and she would escalate and get more upset as time went by instead of soothing and calming.  Plus my heartstrings get pulled at about 30minutes of crying.  I give in.  I want to hold her.  I want to comfort her.  I want her to know I am here for her.  I want to protect her.  I want to pour my love out with my arms wraped around her. It has been about a month since I last tried letting her CIO so this will be round two and I have back up [aka Justin who is not easy to give in] I am terrified at how this will unfold in the fear of her crying for 3 hours literally brings tears to my eyes.  I can not take that and I am praying hard that God will be the one to comfort. sooth. protect. wrap His arms around her and that she will sleep!

This will begin tonight and we will just see how it goes.  I will say that past two days have been slightly better with her going to sleep.  Yesterday she cried herself to sleep sitting up, but I left her because I knew if I went in to lay her down she would wake up.  Last night she was up twice [12:15a and 5a] and both times she was wide awake after eating.  After I was sure she was well burped and clean diaper I laid her down - wide awake - and she eventually fell asleep without a single peep.  It gives me hope that letting her cry will be ok and she will settle down.  She may be able to do it now that she is a little older.  Either way I am asking God to be the comfort for her and the patience for me!

As her Mom I want to make her feel better and not cry but sometimes there is just so much that I can do. In the midst of the screaming crying [have I mentioned how loud her cry is?] and she is pushing away from me and crawling up me and unable to relax...I just want to cry.  I am emotionally, physically and mentally tired.  I have felt that I have fallen short as a Mom for her and don't know what more to do. Sunday at the lake I had a complete melt down and I think it just helped and felt good to cry and cry hard! I love her and want her to be happy.  I've said this before, when she has had a good nap and is in a good mood she is precious.  She is crawling and standing up on anything that she can reach....this is way earlier than Collier ever thought about.  She loves for anyone to talk to her and has such a sweet smile.  She is very interested in Brinkley and will crawl all over her when she is near by.  She adores Collier and keeps her eyes on him anytime he is in sight.  She giggles at him a lot and that just makes me so happy.  She puts everything that she touches into her mouth and has started to drool quite a bit in the past week, it is probably safe to say she has teeth on the way.  She still loves to swing [and we are all ready for the cooler weather and less misquitos so that we can enjoy outside more].  All of this to say that she is precious.  She is my sweet baby girl who is just having a hard time right now.  I know that this is just a short phase and that it will be gone in a flash.  When I am up nursing her in the middle of the night I do love to hold her close and tight because in just a few short months she will not be so willing or wanting to snuggle up in my lap.

My verse of the day [via YouVersion] yesterday was Psalm 68:19
Praise the Lord; praise God our savior! For each day he carries us in his arms. And for that I am thankful.  It is He who carries me through each day and night!  And He also has Kenley wrapped in His arms safely as well! How great is He to give me this verse at such a time as this!

**I started this post this afternoon and am just now trying to finish it I already have an update:
 After an hour of trying to get her to nap this afternoon, she was rubbing her eyes, long blinks and crying, she would not go to sleep.  So I bathed her and gave her to Justin while I bathed Collier and I just went in to check on her and she was sound asleep on the couch next to Justin.  Yep he just got a new job...Kenley is his every night after bath time! 

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