I have had a few days in the past week that I can't seem to quite quench my thirst. I should be drinking more water than I do, especially with nursing exclusively still. I do pretty good during the day, at work. But at home, I am not as good and by the time I crawl in the bed I am so thirsty and needing more water. Its not uncommon that I will drink a large glass of water through the night. In addition to this physical thirst I also have experienced a bit of a spiritual drought as well in the past month. I haven't been in The Word like I need to be on a daily basis and I can see the impact and affect it is having on me. It all came to light Sunday at church as the sermon was based on John 6:22-39. Plus the small group [that I have missed more than attended ] this summer sent an email to read through John 4! Both covering how Jesus is the only true satisfaction.
John 6: 35 'Jesus replied, “I am the bread of life. Whoever comes to me will never be hungry again.
Whoever believes in me will never be thirsty.'
Last week, Justin was out of town a few nights for work. One of the nights I was so short tempered and quick to get angry at everything that Collier did, frustrated that Kenley wouldn't stop crying and that she was so loud. Wanting selfishly to do things that I wanted/needed to do [laundry, straighten up the house, etc], instead of holding Kenley all night because she refuses to be laid down or quiet. By the time I spoke to Justin that night I was frustrated and angry because nothing was going quite right. As I laid my head down I realized the problem. It was me who was trying to get it all done. It was my way that I was seeking. It was all about me. The spotlight was on me and only me. Not Him. When the realization hit me, I was suddenly ashamed at how I treated my children, instead of being thankful to Him just to have them [and that they are healthy and well and precious], that I wasn't treating them as the Gift, that they really are, from Him but more of an inconvenience. I hope that I am not the only Mom who has ever felt this way....I certainly won't be qualifying for Mother of the Year award anytime soon. I need to be more aware of where my heart is and seek Him. Ask Him for help instead of thinking that I can do it all or even that I need to do it all. If I am seeking Him then I will accomplish exactly what it is that HE wants me to accomplish and do in that day...which may mean that the laundry basket full of clothes may not get washed or folded. Jesus promises to provide: 'for He satisfies the thirsty and fills the hungry with good things.' Psalm 107:9. If I am relying on my own vices, I will never achieve and I will continue to need to go to the well to be satisfied. I can look at the well as if it is the world, it is a source but what it provides will continue to be only temporary satisfaction and will return void. But if I am looking for my satisfaction to be in Him, He will provide. 'But those who drink the water I give will never be thirsty again. It becomes a fresh, bubbling spring within them, giving them eternal life.' John 4:14.
By being disconnected, I became self consumed. and realized how badly that I need Him. How badly I do it when I am on my own and how I want to walk with Him. Just last night someone reminded me that we are to be evenly yoked with God. He will remove our burdens and make it easier. But if we pull ahead of Him and trying to do on our own...then we are doing double the work and all for no good. 'Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." Matthew 11:29-30. See we have to walk with Him, side by side, together and it can be much easier.
I have to constantly ask Him to help me to just find and take the time to be quiet with Him. There are too many days I don't give Him but a few minutes and then I am thirsty AGAIN. But when I am walking with Him, there is joy and a rightness [i'm certain I just made that word up] that can only be explained by Him and to Him I want to give the glory. It is when I am off on my own that I get myself drug into the mud. Just a reminder that He is my ultimate satisfaction...the rest of it will just fall short!